truth within yourself

We all have defined truths

Though they may be as in flux as a rapid river

What is your truth?

My truth is that I know that no matter what transpires

That i can always trust myself.

I can hold my own heart

Too often we disallow ourselves to resonate

To exist outside of this physical existence

We replicate the energy of others

And void the symbiotic relationship with us and ourselves

I think intuition is that voice of our source

It has never led me astray

And i understand its value

But how to we stay in communion with our heart?

How do u stay strong amidst adversity?

Or even worse

When you are out tune with yourself?

Sometimes I fall out of love with humanity

I have such a deep compassion for people and nature that at times I lose connection with myself and fall into a dark space.

I recognize that the negative energy induced is my disconnection from my nature

I think many of us live almost solely in our heads.

The beauty of existen e is learning to take your internal source and illuminating.

Listen to your intuition, feel completely, and resonate your heart.

No matter the verbal exchange, or your "failures"

Realize its all learning to stay in tune with yourself while living in this skin.

Good luck

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The other side of the river

Sometimes I look in the mirror and dont recognize the face looking back at me

its weird

its like I have never seen this image before

Sometimes I find comfort in the absurdity of it

and sometimes it scares me

as if early memory loss has set in

I see every morning as a new experience

and every new face in the mirror as an opportunity to redefine it

to relive an existence that never took place

and that may never come to fruition

Every day we are remade

well, externally

our essence is constant

but we have new opportunities every day

I know this because for the longest time I refused those opportunities

I shyed away from nurturing that face in the mirror.

I left her as an image

as this stranger that I said good morning to for those years

I became numb

and the only thing that created reaction was to see that unknown creature in the mirror

It took so long to embrace that face

to reawaken to my own strength

to feel pride

I have remarked on my change frequently in these writings.

My transcendence

my awakening of sorts.

That stranger saved me

She was always there

waiting for me to truly see her

as weird as all of this metaphor sounds-

I saved myself

We all do

we- our essence- our spirit- our passion

can salvage any "broken" aspect within ourselves.

We create our destiny

we choose our fate

I choose life

I choose the other side of the river

Tuning to Life

Sometimes I feel like Gravity works against me

I like floating in the clouds- idealistic and in love with existence

but every so oftern

That damned phenomena-

Gravity-

Forces me down

imploring with the negative impulses of perceptive life.

I feel chained to it sometimes

and it generates a distaste in me

where I feel like I cant escape it

As if it binds with its force

and my wrists are stained with burst capillaries below my skin.

My spirit fights it

and after a while,

I am slumped- and broken to the fight

and I become part of the world-

succomming to the temptations to perpetuate my own unhappiness.

When you are worn out

How do you generate the strength to stand up?

When I typed that I imagined a man sitting with no legs.

slumped against a brick wall

and I remembered when I was told stories of how those with no legs can still sense the legs that don't exist

I remember some philosophers saying that that sensation is proof of a soul.

And it connected just now.

Just because you don't have something doesn't mean you can't sense it

It doesn't mean that it doesn't necessarily exist.

When I feel broken and my wrists ache

When I feel like Im in bondage

You can't harp on it.

You cant focus on the negative

There is a beauty in those bruises

For that pain in your wrists- that exhaustion-

you know what that was???

IT WAS YOUR EFFORT

It was your voice.

What a conviction do I have if I am willing to fight so hard?

The recognition of your strength should be enough for you to realize that it isn't the force binding you-

Its your acceptance of it and your tuning to it.

When you tune to the negative of this world- you absorb it.

Life is full of ups and downs.

Struggles and pitfalls.

But when you find yourself in a pit

remind yourself of the mountains you were on not long ago.

Trust in your strength.

Recognize your fight within

Embrace it

Accept that not everything flows freely,

and sometimes Gravity snags you so you can appreciate yourself and who you are.

Thank you life's challenges

you are building me

the Ghosts of a good thing

Ive been carrying corpses with me this whole time

Corpses of empty promises,

unrealistic expectations

and relationships that would never work out.

Ive been holding onto potential futures that can never be

and the funny thing?

I knew deep down that they would never come to fruition.

But I kept the ghost of a good thing.

I let the hope kiss my eyes shut at night

and awaken me in the morning.

Its all an illusion.

No one can hold my heart

Im elusive

I don't like consistency

and I can't hold onto something, someone, or myself with my hands behind me

dragging hopeless futures

pulling these decaying bodies of impossible futures.

I've grown an infection from this

Ive bound myself for too long

that my wrists are cut and infected

This stench resonates and produces a direct observation of my misdirection

and I need an antiseptic

I don't want this anymore

Im letting go.

Im giving up these ghosts.

letting them dissipate into the once believed past and non existent future.

Im releasing that desire.

And opening myself to a new adventure.

we dont need anything.

I just need me.

Nothin can stop this heart

this beat that keeps me moving.

What a beautiful sound.

So I will just lay

and listen to it

and remind myself that I am not the corpse I carry

these Weary eyes

I fear I have lost myself again

lost in the waves of deadlines and office life

lost in the waves of campaigning

long hours

no sunlight

and sometimes all I desire is to hear a voice

to hear my family

to know how my sister is doing

Just one utterance from my best friend could revive my spirit

the days are sticking together like pages in a book.

I need an outlet

I need a semblance of myself

I have given all of myself this past month.

almost all of it.

So I am venting in these words all of my out of tune frustration

and hoping that all that is left is my nature

purified

back to old me

You have to make time for what you want

you have to try

because if you dont try for yourself?

who will?

time to get back in line.

time to get to the heart of the matter

and cleanse out this funk

here we go.....

Cyclical evolution

My heart is bursting

I assume its the awakening of my spirit

and not a heart attack

though I think both are life changing

I have this morbid understanding of existence.

I see beauty in every trauma or rainstorm

Most are just misunderstandings.

Most are illusions

I refuse to accept defeat

in any aspect of my life

even if I am initiaing my own undoing.

No thing can break me

no one can harm me unless I allow them to

and I am vigilant

but what of love?

what of that fluttering heart?

how does one open without breaking?

I would argue its all about your perception

if you refuse to believe in the breaking and see it as a transition in life and a cyclical evolution

there is only openess

never say die

always perceive it as a learning lesson.

Understand what you need

grow

and enhance yourself through tribulation.

Lets awaken

lets respect ourselves

it all lies in that.

accept who you are

self love

One more hour.

Its all I ask for.

ITs hard to find the time to stop

and listen to your own heartbeat.

It scares me.

The initial thought of time with oneself is frightening

to sit- alone

listening to the thoughts

to listen to the thinker

Once I invest that time,

I cant help but wish I had one more hour.

Like I am my own soul mate

that feeling in your gut when someone you care so deeply for is about to leave.

That longing.

I guess I have a love affair with myself

not in the pretentious sense

There is a big difference to love onself

and hyperbolizing false love for the adoration of others

I truly love who I am.

What I feel

My conviction and altruistic affectations

Though its hard at times

to face my faults

the circumstances where my intent is superceded with fear based action.

When I myself default

on promises

on love

on outstretching self invented barriers

on communication

But the resonation of my heart will be heard first.

As Much As I Ever Could

I am learning life lessons every day.

It sriveting.

and wonderous.

the good and the bad.

For its the 'bad' that teaches us lessons

about both ourselves and others.

The good is a blessing in filling those moments of laughter and joy

The beauty in waking

The beauty in love

I dont know what I want

And I guess its taken 28 years to come to that conclusion

and what an empty conclusion to come to after all I have experienced.

But I see hope in it.

Its that black void that I am in

that allows for any possibility to manifest.

All possibilities are open to me.

and I have always swayed with the breeze.

I saw a baby bird struggling in a parking lot today.

I took it in to the neighborhood bar where we fed it water through a straw.

It was so sweet.

So gentle

We placed him into a to go box (open of course) and put him outside the door of the humane society.

Im worried about that little bird

worried that he is all alone.

worried that he died in the night.

I left him with a peck to the head

and a farewell wishing of safety.

Gah, I hope he is ok.

But I realize in that

that I care more about the well being of that bird than I do of my own similar struggles.

'I have such a deep love for this world

such compasion for all its inhabitants

I had more of a definitive decision in what to do with that bird than what to do with my life.

What does that say?

Its unclear to me at this time.

but I recognize it.

I guess that is the first step of attaining aloneness and gaining perspective.

We shall see what epiphanies are in store.

Appreciation

Is amazed by people everyday.

I try to awaken with a smile and a laugh as to set the day in motion.

Not the force of a laugh, but something that triggers my brain to gush out that full hearty laugh that echoes the walls and shakes my heart into a jovial pulse.

I have been given many of these over the past few months thanks to a few people in my life.

I am so blessed to have these people in my life.

They brighten my heart and resonate in my soul.

They are the sunlight that kisses my eyelids awake

They represent the parts of us that change civilizations.

Thank you for being that for me.

Its been a tough year.

There were times that I didn't think I would make it out

Times that I woke with swollen eyes and tear stained pillows

Meditation has given me insight

Yoga has reconditioned my body

And amazing people have awakened the old me

The naturally optimistic parts of me

The inherent me.

The past 9 months have given me insight that I needed

that I haven't given myself time to understand or delve into.

I feel comfortable with myself

and with you

Its nice to see yourself blossom.

Its funny to me and I chuckle as I think about it.

Its like a phoenix.

rising from the ashes of who we create ourselves to be without knowing it

The true beauty of a person is their inherent intuitive presence.

when we shed work, expectations, others expectations, and fear

When we just are.

Who are you when you get to the source?

Who are you in the now?

In this moment?

I want to get to know that person

that isnt afraid to shed

to feel

to be openly expressive

Lets stop hiding

lets awaken

lets rise as a phoenix

Disappointment

Im disappointed today.

I never thought I would ever say that word

or experience that sensation

I can honestly say I have never felt that way about anyone beyond myself.

And maybe I expect more from people.

And that may be a fault of mine.

I believe in honesty

and I have spent my limited lifetime configuring my voice

to express what is in my heart

the love for humanity

the affinity and appreciation for those close to me.

and in this moment it seems pinched.

Im fumbling over words in my head.

Having trouble classifying this feeling.

I miss the ocean.

I miss standing, sand between my toes

releasing the weight in my chest.

Allowing it to escape through my pores.

I miss the sound of the waves

the salty breeze

I can close my eyes and be there

but instead I sit at this coffee shop

perplexed

watching the biplanes escape over the mountains.

anticipating my next climb.

this will have to do.

I find myself swayed by the mountain air

calming my frustration

and rocking me to a lull.

maybe that sensation is fleeting

Its not in my nature to be disappointed.

Its so funny how it comes in with such intensity

but whithers quickly as i contemplate the why's and origins of this feeling.

Maybe introspection into negative sensations allows for them to die sooner.

Thank you Sedona.